It was just another Friday morning in the late summer of 2013. I was working as a Summer Camp Counselor and it was our last day of camp. We had a party at the Rec Center, ate pizza and did karaoke. I remember my best friend, Michal, bringing me a piece of cake and coffee and it just bout made my day. I had my blue and white vintage-ish dress on and my hair half way pinned back. I felt beautiful that day, although I really wasn't trying. I had no reason to. I'd met this guy on some random dating website that I rarely got onto (It made me feel weird, desperate, etc. haha) and his name was Vince. He apparently lived in town and seemed like a cool guy. I'd been feeling a bit adventurous lately so I decided to meet up with him. What could it hurt? So, later that evening I drove to Walmart (I wanted it to be a public place) and met up with him. I remember buying something, I can't remember what it was but I think I recall it being a birthday card and tissue paper (possibly for my grandma, whose birthday was the next day). He mentioned to me that he had a friend with him and hoped I didn't feel weird and I'm like.... uh no I don't care it's not like we were on a date at Walmart? LOL.
And that's when it happened. The moment I saw him, I could feel it. I felt a significance. No, it wasn't "Love at first sight". But I remember feeling really .. just .. odd when I met him and shook his hand. He looked at me with his bright hazel eyes and said, "Nice to meet you." with a slight southern drawl. I sat down on the bench and while they were both smoking (yuck) we talked about my job and about their military experiences. Vince was an ex-marine and Johnny was apparently ex-army (Later, I suspect that to be a lie) and they basically wouldn't shut up about it. Vince was very condescending, egotistical. While Johnny stayed quiet most of the time. After a bit, we decided we wanted to drink a little bit and hang out, get to know each other. So Vince bought a little bit of booze and a deck of cards from the store and while he was in the store, Johnny asked me from the backseat, "So, what do you think of him?" and I was like, "I don't know, he's cool, why?" and he was like, "Well do you like him?" and I said "Not really, I barely know him." and he proceeded to make a comment about how I should be with a man who calls me beautiful rather than just "nice" (earlier in the night, Vince had told me that I looked nice.) After that, we got a room over at Little Daisy. Now, I know how this may be sounding right now... but it really isn't as it seems. I wasn't attracted to Vince at all and I had absolutely NO intention of anything romantic occurring with either of them. It was innocent to me. After we got there, I started feeling a bit nervous to be alone with them, although they seemed trustworthy enough and fun. So, I begged my friend Michal to come over. When she got there, that's when I felt a bit more comfortable and began drinking a little bit more. Vince kept trying to bore us with like, emotional talk and stuff, and every time he did that Johnny would yell, "Shut up and drink!" and we'd all have to take a shot. It was our stupid little drinking game we'd made up. The boys kept going outside to smoke and I later found out that the entire time, they were discussing me. Apparently both of them were into me (which later came as a complete shock to me, seeing as I'd been single for 5 years and suddenly two guys liked me....it was a lot to take in!) and they were trying to figure out who I liked more. I honestly just wanted to hang out and have a good time.
After a while, I was feeling kind of tipsy and was outside with the boys talking with them. I decided to turn around to go inside, probably to get my phone or something and I remember feeling a hand on the small of my back and I turned to see who it was and Johnny pulled me against him and kissed me hard. It came to me as such a surprise... and usually I would have pushed someone like that away and probably smacked them. But I didn't. It was something about the way he was holding me in that moment that made me want to hold on. It felt wrong, seeing as I barely knew this guy. But I still did it. Michal went home to her fiance and Vince decided to leave as well since he felt weird being with just me and Johnny. So. Yeah.
The next morning rolls around and I wake up and get to the shower and begin getting ready. Johnny woke up and gave me a really big hug. It was comforting and sweet, but I figured he'd just have me take him home and I'd never see or talk to him again. But he began asking me what I wanted to do that day... I was quite confused because most guys weren't really into the whole idea of actually hanging out with me, let alone being seen with me in public (haha). We then spent the day getting lunch and laying in the grass at the park, talking and getting to know each other. That's when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I don't know if it was the excitement of a relationship, or the spontaneity of an impulsive action with a guy I found charming and attractive or WHAT it was - but in an impulsive moment, I said yes. We spent the night together again and he was constantly complimenting me and making me feel great about myself. The next day, we went bowling with Michal and Taylor, her fiance, and when I saw an old friend at the bowling alley, who just happened to be a guy, Johnny flipped out when I wanted to go say hello. He was very jealous and didn't want me talking to him. It was ridiculous and I got upset. Johnny threw something down on the ground (I don't recall what it was) and basically made a scene and left the building. Michal went outside to tell him that what he'd done was uncalled for and yadadadada. He said he just liked me a lot and didn't want to lose me.
It really started to freak me out, considering that I'd known him only a few days and he was already so controlling. I thought about breaking it off with him, but I felt that he deserved a little bit more of a chance. So I explained that I didn't appreciate him embarrassing me like that and that I wouldn't take being treated like that. Everything was fine after that.
That evening, we'd driven over to my "spot" (a culdasack area where houses haven't been built yet) and just sat in my car, listened to music and talked. We had the seats laid back, Brad Paisley on the radio and the sunset in the background. We laid together, looked into each other's eyes while he sang to me. We also slow danced outside of my car to George Strait and Hunter Hayes. I suppose you can see where this is going. Something really sparked within us that evening. And that's when a cop showed up. I was surprised because we weren't doing anything wrong and we weren't in a 'No Trespassing' area, I think he was just bored and wanted some cop-action. Turns out that Johnny had three warrants out for his arrest from Santa Barbara, California. He was arrested right there in front of me. I remember feeling helpless, confused, betrayed and so many other emotions. I immediately drove to Michal's house, in tears, shaking and not knowing what to think. She did her best to calm me down, like any good friend would.
I went back and forth deciding what to do. I was gonna leave him.... No, maybe I'll give him a chance to explain... no, he's just a phony... no, he's a great guy who made me feel good. GAH. That following Thursday, (August 1st) was the visiting day. Vince and Michal accompanied me to the jail to visit him. We only had a little bit of time but I wanted answers. He explained everything to me and came clean (for the most part). He asked for forgiveness and a chance. And so, that's what I decided to do. It was such a fucked up situation but he had nobody else. No family, very little friends and I was the only thing he had (Or so he made it seem). So I began writing him letters, accepting phone calls and visiting every Thursday. I don't know what it was that kept me holding on. Maybe it was the look he gave me behind that glass, of pure hope and desperation.
As the weeks passed, it got harder and harder to keep holding on. I missed him so much and it didn't even feel like we were in a relationship. I couldn't touch him or hold him, or kiss him or anything. But it gave us a chance to get to know each other through letters and our short visits. I learned that he had an 8 month old daughter named Hailey. And that his mother was terrible and abusive. That he'd had a past with drugs and violence but wanted so desperately to put himself on the right path. I believed in him. I knew he could do it. And maybe that was the "psychologist" in me that wanted to be a support system for him, to push him and make him believe in himself, like I did. On August 16th he was extradited back to California. So, no more visits, more expensive calls and shorter letters. It got harder, and with things changing day by day (court dates, possible sentencing, etc) I wasn't sure how much longer I could continue to wait. It was a constant disappointment, not knowing when he'd be released. FINALLY, on September 20th, he was released. Almost two months of being gone and he was finally out. I was desperate to see him and would've given my arm and leg to get him out to AZ.
On October 1st (My birthday!) he took the Amtrak train to Flagstaff, where I picked him up at 4:30 am. I hadn't slept the entire night before. I was too anxious and nervous. I felt like I was meeting him all over again. So, I dolled myself up and drove to Flagstaff to pick him up. It was freezing there, so I wrapped myself in my red pea-coat and walked towards the train. And that's when I saw him. Tall, with a black hat and a cute but cocky strut, there he was walking towards me. The embrace was everything I'd imagined it to be for the two months I'd wait. For 65 days, all I'd done was dream and imagine what it'd be like to be in his arms again. I'll never forget the feeling. It's almost as though time was standing still and in that moment, all I wanted to do was hold onto him and with my head against his chest, listen to his heartbeat. But it was too cold for much of that. So, we got in my warm car and drove off to Cottonwood. I was ecstatic. I had two weeks with him and I couldn't have been happier. For the next two weeks, I somehow balanced a full time college career and a part time job with him there. I spent every waking moment that I could with him and he actually spent the entire two weeks at my house (thanks, mom :P) It was perfect, I'll never trade those two weeks for my life.
One night, we were lying in bed watching Vine videos and talking and a touchy subject came up. I don't want to go into details since this is a public post but we were discussing something very near and dear to my heart, a fault...a scar... a true flaw. I poured my heart out to him like I'd never poured my heart out before. Expecting him to disconnect himself from me and move away, he held me close and looked at me and said, "I don't care. I love you anyway." I was frozen. My body shaking, my heart on the line, I felt numb. I had no feeling in my body at the moment that I said this, and it was almost like word vomit. Nothing else in the world seemed more right than for me to say, in that moment, "I love you, Johnny."
It was the first time I'd ever said it to him. And the look in his eyes when I said that, just gave meaning to the entirety of my life. I knew in that moment that I was in love with him. I'd never felt so truly accepted by anyone, ever. We sort of just held each other while I cried into his chest. It was honestly one of the most intense emotions I'd ever felt and to this day, one of the most beautiful memories I'll ever have and hold dear to my heart.
The day he had to leave was a very difficult day for me. I told myself not to cry, because that always ruins my attempt to enjoy the last little bit of time I have with a person. And I wanted to cherish every moment. I wasn't sure exactly what was going to happen with us, so I knew any time spent together needed to be cherished. I remember us sitting in my car at the train station. The windows were foggy, so he'd written "I <3 you" on the windows a few times. We talked about me driving out to Santa Barbara to visit. That made the goodbye a little bit easier. Knowing it wouldn't be too long until I got to see him again.
A few days later, he'd brought up the news to me that he was possibly going to be arrested in the next week because Probation had found out he'd traveled to Arizona. So, impulsively I decided, after going to two of my college classes and working a 7 hour shift, I was leaving to California. At 11:30 pm, Wednesday night, I left for Santa Barbara. It took me 13 hours to get there because my phone was dying and I got lost in downtown Los Angeles. I got to Santa Barbara at about 12:30 pm. I was exhausted, drained and just wanted a shower and to go to sleep cuddled up next to him! I ended up not sleeping til about 10:00 that night but anywaaaaay. I felt reckless, spontaneous, unstoppable. That love truly gave me wings. I flew away from everything I knew and loved on only hope and an impulse. He made me feel as though anything was possible, if we were together. We spent our nights on the boardwalk under the moonlit ocean, talking about our dreams and hopes while listening to the sounds of the sea lions and fish jumping out of the water in the background. It was perfect. The atmosphere, the feelings, the man I was with. I knew it was the right choice, going out there. We made so many beautiful memories, I tried my first banana fruit smoothie and wasn't the biggest fan, I got to experience a straight up California sex store (that was interesting), I met a ton of different and interesting people, rode on a trolley and later, walked like five miles to stay in a sketchy hotel called the Fiesta Inn (yikes).
The night before I had to leave, we drove down to Southern LA (Lakewood) to his dad's house so he could spend some time with him, and for it to be easier to get home for me. I was nervous about driving in LA alone. We laid together and watched Impractical Jokers and laughed our asses off, trying to push away the thought that I had to leave the next morning. I tried to forget that reality but it crept up on me quicker than I hoped. The next morning, I was up and out the door at 6:10 am. I drove straight on through LA to Phoenix and back on up to Cottonwood. It took me 7.5 hours to get home just to find out that my boss actually didn't need me to work that shift. I COULD HAVE SLEPT IN. Regardless, I made it home safe and sound. That week, I had been thinking some interesting thoughts... and was considering moving out there with him. Again, it seemed like a reckless and irresponsible move, yet I didn't care. I didn't care about anything but him. And I would've given up just about anything to be with him. He was in the process of transferring his probation to Arizona and they told him it would take 45 days to get it approved or whatever. So, I thought, I could change my classes to online and move out there with him until he can come back with me. I convinced my mom by telling her I needed to spread my wings and that it very well could have been a mistake but that I needed to have these adventures and make these mistakes for me to live a healthy and strong life. So, I packed up my stuff and bought a one way ticket to LA.
Our first few nights in Santa Barbara were good, although Johnny and I were realizing we suddenly had a bit of an arguing problem. It wasn't too bad - but we both got a bit out of control when we fought. I was stingy, stubborn and rude while he was hurtful and violent. On Halloween, we had a pretty heavy fight, which was completely instigated by me, but carried out by the both of us yelling and being loud. Mind you, we were in an apartment complex and of course, the police were called. We were questioned and got off the hook, seeing as we weren't hurting each other, just disturbing the peace. We were then kicked out of the apartment we were staying at with a friend because his landlord found out and he wasn't allowed guests. It was understandable and we were out. It was definitely one of the more frightening moments in my life, knowing that we had nobody to help us and no where to go. Technically, he couldn't leave the county. And I was trying to encourage him to do the right thing and abide the rules of his probation. I knew he had all of the potential to be great, he just needed a small bit of guidance. We stayed in a sketchy hotel but had a fun evening together, despite all of the problems we were being faced with. I was trying to make the best of the situation, although it was difficult. The next day, his dad drove up to us and we spent hours trying to find an alternative - an option. It was later decided that we'd go down to Lakewood and stay with his dad and Nana and try to get probation transferred down there (We figured out he couldn't transfer to AZ since he had no immediate family residing there).
That's where it went bad. I'd been trying to find work but nothing seemed to want to work out for me. I was spending day in and day out with nothing to do. Johnny and I were together 24/7 and you know the saying, "Familiarity breeds contempt".... ohhhh, yes it definitely does. We were fighting once, twice and sometimes even three times every single day. Threats of leaving were thrown out every day by both myself and him. We taunted each other with the constant threat of leaving one another which put both of us on edge badly. I tried to focus on my schoolwork to avoid fighting, but that just seemed to stress me out and make things even worse. It finally got to the point where I could tell that he never wanted to be around me. He'd make excuses to leave the house or to just be out in the living room or to do something the didn't involve me. He wasn't mean to me, I could just tell he was standoffish and had no interest in spending quality time with me (Since we spent every waking minute together). I don't know what happened to me there. I had no car, no job, I was having trouble with my college courses, no friends, my family was all 400 miles away while my grandma was battling breast cancer and my sister was turning 5. I was miserable. I missed my family, I hated the fighting and I just didn't know what I wanted. I decided to come home to Arizona for thanksgiving and my mom bought me a round trip Greyhound ticket. I left on November 24th and the night I got back to AZ, johnny tells me that his dad won't let me come back. I was heartbroken. All my stuff was still there, including my heart. To this day, I think it was planned. Johnny knew he wasn't happy with me and wanted to leave me in the easiest way possible, although I could never prove that was the truth. I just have a feeling. He rarely texted me, NEVER talked to me on the phone and was always "busy". I could tell something was up. So I began doing things purposely to piss him off because at least I was getting some sort of attention from him! Stupid, I know.
Then, on November 30th in the middle of the night, he dumped me. He gave me some bullcrap story about how he just needed to focus on himself and that I could still come back in the new year and find an apartment with him and all this stuff. Moments later, I see on his facebook that he has a new girlfriend. I was furious. How could he? I know we had a fighting issue, but really? After everything I'd done for him? I'd spent close to $2,000 on him and things for him. I know money is just an object but still. Come on. I was absolutely heartbroken. I went crazy that night. I've never felt more desperate in my life. I couldn't sleep all night. We went to visit Hope's grandma in Phoenix the next day and I knew I had to go because if I was alone, God knows what I would have done. I swear, I'd never felt pain like that before. It was like a cement block had been thrown into my chest and was just there, weighing my body down. Weighing my heart down. I couldn't believe he could do something like that to me, I still can't, to this day. He was constantly on my mind, even though I tried to hate him. It didn't work, of course. I loved him. And after a few days, we began talking again. He apologized and said he wanted to be with me and that he was just confused and was using her to fill the emptiness he felt with me gone (which is totally fucked up lol) and of course I fell for it. We continued to go back and forth for the next few weeks with that. He told me he wasn't with her and that he wanted me, then the next day it was the opposite. When things got tough with her, he came running to me - and vice versa.
Finally, on Christmas Eve, he broke up with me. And I said, "If you do this, we are not getting back together. Ever." (God, now I sound like Taylor Swift). And he said, "Okay, fine by me". And that was it. Sadly... I was bummed but I almost felt relief. Although there was still a slight tug on my heart, I felt as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I didn't have to worry about logging onto my facebook and having a message from a past girlfriend (or a present one) or anything like that. I didn't have to worry about if he was out cheating on me, or what ever. I didn't have to worry anymore. For 4 days I didn't speak to him (and that's a huge fucking deal lol). I forced myself to let go. And when he called me on December 29th and we talked briefly about his car, I didn't recognize the feeling I had. He made a comment, "I'm coming out to AZ soon because I owe somebody a date." I said, "Who?" and he said, "You, duh." And although that was sweet, I didn't know how to respond. How do you tell the man you love that you don't want him back? So I kinda just was like whatever. I'm serious, like 5 hours later he texts me and tells me never to talk to him again and that he's with Chelsea now (the other girlfriend) and all this shit. That was it for me. The final straw. I'd always had this theory in the back of my mind but now I knew it to be true. He just couldn't handle being alone. And he never will be able to. He'll always be codependent on somebody and well, that's just sad. He's never going to learn to live his life for himself, it'll always be for someone else. He wants somebody he can control. And I think that bothered him the most about me. From the day I met him, he had control over me. But towards the end, that started to change. I began standing up for myself and not putting up with the crap. That's where complications started. He constantly manipulated me and made things that were completely out of my control, my fault. I called him once and he fell and hurt his leg. "Well when you called me, it scared me and I fell and dislocated my knee." HE MADE THAT MY FAULT. And he constantly did this with almost every situation. I was always saying "Sorry" for things that I hadn't even done, or sometimes that I hadn't even intentionally done. I was in a terrible place to let him have that kind of power over me.
But now, I feel amazing. I feel as though I can conquer the world. A few guys have shown me attention and not that I'm going to run and jump into a new relationship, GOD no... it still is nice to know that other guys do think I'm pretty and actually WANT to spend time with me, unlike Johnny, and that it's not completely hopeless. I will love again. He showed me exactly what I don't want in a relationship and I can't thank him enough for that. He may hate me and that's all good and fine. But I refuse to fill my life and memories with hatred and negative thoughts. During our fights, he was constantly calling me names (Stupid bitch, cunt, retarded, etc) and telling me to "Shut the fuck up." He called me out on personal issues that I had, including the deepest pain I'd ever felt and throwing it back in my face. He broke me down and then threatened to come after me and hurt me. And I just took it. I took it like the little bitch that I was. I tiptoed around his emotions, didn't talk to friends of mine (Because they were guys) because it upset him, while he was out there cheating on me and flirting with a bunch of girls!
In the end, I am SO GLAD that it is finally over. I loved him with every single atom that made up my body and more - but that is a Love that I never want to return to. I am strong, smart and sweet and I deserve a hell of a lot more than what I got from him. Respect being the most important thing. I am finished fooling around with him and his games because that's all it was. It wasn't a relationship. It was a waiting game. I was his main bait until something better came along. He used me while he had nobody and was stuck in a jail cell and then when he started acquiring everything (A job, a place to live, a car, etc) he dropped me like I was NOTHING. I'd been there for him from the start, dealt with the constant, pathological lies and manipulative games and fighting and he was the one who gave up. So when he tried coming back to me, I had nothing more to give. In those five months, I'd given more to one person than I'd ever given to anyone throughout the course of my 20 years of being alive. Including my love, my body, my faith and my trust. I'll look back on what we had and remember the good times, but the bad times as well - in which shaped me to be who I am today. Some days I am bitter but most days not. Today is December 31, 2013 and my #1 New Years Resolution is to move forward with my life and to never look back.
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